I’ve been considering taking a break from Photography for a while now… there’s a ton of other things I could focus my energy on, so many other things that I’ve been dying to try. But then a week goes by without shooting, and I start feigning like a crackhead. lol I need my fix! And my fix is taking amazing photos.
It’s just what I do. It’s something I’ve loved to do since I can remember… I was always the one trying to get everyone to line up properly and pose for candid photos as a kid. lol People ask me how long I’ve been shooting for… I tell them 3 years. The first 2 were just goofing off…never took it seriously. I never imagined this would be my path. It just is… and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
There are many things I want to do and accomplish before I die. I want to own a restaurant and lounge. I want to own a 3000sqft+ studio with all the gear a girl could want. I want to run my own clothing line and/or develop lines for other people. I want to be an Art Director for a magazine. I want to own a brick-n-mortar clothing store. I want to produce fashion shows. The list goes on and on…
But the one thing I’ve come to realize this past year is that no matter what else I do, Photography will always be at the top of the list. There is just nothing I like more than taking photos. :o)
I was talking to a MUA friend yesterday and I told her that I felt like I wasted so much time in 2008 on undesirable models and artists/stylists that just weren’t at the level I really needed to progress. She told me that it wasn’t a waste, that every shoot and every experience and every contact made is worthwhile in one way or another. She’s right. I now know what I want to do, and who I want to work with and above all… I know the direction that I want to go in. It’s now just a matter of finding the right people to take with me on this photographic fashiony journey. :o)
From this day forward, I’m vowing to only shoot things that make me happy and inspire me and motivate me to keep on shooting. I figure, if I’m not getting paid to shoot something sub-par, then I just don’t need to shoot it. Period.
So, I’m on vacation in Denver, CO… in the mall shopping… sweating to death in this tiny ass dressing room in DEB. When my friend’s cell phone goes off. She screams, “Holy Fucking Shit! CNN says Michael Jackson died! That’s bullshit, there’s no way!!”
All I heard was, “Michael Jackson died…” Immediately tears start welling up in my eyes. I know it’s totally retarded to mourn over someone you don’t even know… but dammit… he’s MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON!!!
Yesterday I went and checked out a couple Fashion Designs programs… But they totally paled in comparison to FIDM. As soon as I heard there was an Irvine office, I was on it!
The admissions advisor was great, very informative and encouraging. I went in with my mind set on Fashion Design, but after talking with the advisor for over an hour, I changed my mind. I think I’m going to major in Product Development. :-) The only thing is, I know myself enough to know that if peek into the design rooms and see what other kids are doing, I’m gonna regret not doing Fashion Design.
I would LOVE to design and create my own line… but at the same time, I’m very business-minded and into marketing. So, at this point I don’t know…. I need to convince Don that I’m serious about going back to school before I scare him with the $23,000 a year tuition! LOL
My adorable 2 year old has been singing the Happy Birthday song for the last week… "Hoppy Booday Too Too" lol sooooo chutes!
So here I am. At work. On my 30th birthday. blah. Homie Ed and the new girl Hamsa took me out to lunch, so that was cool. I forced them to eat Indian food. (Hopefully Homie Ed’s wife won’t kill me for all the tooting he’s gonna be doing later today…lol)
Do I feel older? Why yes… yes I do. But, I guess it’s not THAT bad. I haven’t been struck by lightening yet, and I didn’t wake up with extra wrinkles or grey hair, so I think I’ll survive. ;-)
:::runs to a mirror::: Do I look 30? Gawd I hope not!
I’m so dreading this birthday. And not just because it’s 30, not because I am old, and not because I used to think 30 was hella old when I was a kid… I’m dreading it because I feel like I’m not where I should be at 30 and I’m running out of fucking time.
What have I been doing the last 12 years? I’ll plead the 5th. lol I feel like I haven’t done much of what I want to do… I’ve been too busy doing what my kids need me to do and doing what my boyfriend needs me to do, and I’ve held myself back with my weight and health. Time just seems to be flying by me… if I don’t DO something with myself soon, I think I’m just gonna give up on life all together. Yes, I know it sounds dramatic. But if you knew me you’d know what I’ve been through and why I feel this way…
I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with myself and for myself. In no particular order: - Get a tattoo! I never got one because a.) I’m scared of needles b.) They’re expensive c.) I just don’t know WHAT to get d.) I get bored easy and I’m afraid of hating it and not being able to afford to remove it e.) My boyfriend hates tattoos f.) I wanted to lose weight before getting ink I know, I know… lots of excuses. lol But now, I reeeaaaallly want one! So, we’ll see….
- LOSE WEIGHT! Like how many times is this gonna be a resolution? LOL Part of my problem now is the medications I’m taking. They are making me gain wait, so I have to work twice as hard to get it off. I’m tired of being fat! I’m tired of being tired.
- Go back to school. Yep, ya heard me right. I went to school for Culinary Arts… I’m a great Chef, but it hasn’t been my life’s ambition for a very long time now. I need to decide between becoming a hair stylist, getting a BA in Photography or Fashion Design.
- Get my tubes tied. I know it sounds like a stupid “goal”, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while and I think I’m finally ready to do it. Lord knows, I don’t want anymore damn kids no way! lol
LOL I used to blog alllll the time when I was addicted to MySpace, but for some reason, I just keep forgetting to post here. I think about shit all the time and go, “oooh, I totally need to blog about that!” But then I get distracted when I get home, so I totally forget.
So, now’s as good a time as any to start blogging again… Sooo many life changes will be happening very soon. ;-)
I decided I wasn’t going to make any this year. I figure, what’s the point? How often to do people actually fulfill their resolutions? Why do I need the added to pressure? lol
So instead, I’ve got GOALS for 2008. (and more than just a few!) First and foremost… I need to lose some serious weight!! I’m wearing a whopping size 22 and I’m 265 fucking pounds. EGADS!! I used to make fun of bitches like me when I was skinny…. karma’s a bitch, no?
Secondly, I really need to buckle down and take my photography to a whole nuvah levah… seriously, no more excuses. Just DO IT! Thankfully, I’ve got the support of my friends, family and a new mentor, the uber-talented and super-studly Sean Armenta. He’s given me the reality check that I so desperately needed.
Lastly, it’s time to quite DOUBTING myself. FUCK THE HATERS! And fuck anyone who is trying to bring me down! I used to get so riled up about shit and I’d fall into instant depression whenever I’d see someone doing better or someone getting more. But now it’s like… fuck it. Who cares about THEM? I’m going to put all my energy into ME from now on!
I could go on and on and on… but I’ve got too many goals to list. Let’s just hope I achieve some of them! ;)
In other news…. Tommorow I’m shooting a totally cute model who is also an aspiring fashion designer. This should be fun! wooot!